my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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