I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
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the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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