Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
