Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
