yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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