the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
