You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
