I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
