I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
