dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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