shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
