Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
