sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
