the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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