i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
