she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
