my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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