I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
