piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
