at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
