Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
