Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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