I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
