she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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