Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
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Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
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We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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