i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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