The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
