Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
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