I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My feet surprised me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
