it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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