Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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