Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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