So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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