So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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