Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
