Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
