like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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