She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
pop tarts are not kleenex
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
