the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
