Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
