he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
