We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
