Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
