You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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