the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
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he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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