is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
