my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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