i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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