I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
