you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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