I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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