I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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