loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize