If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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