I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
