I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
