John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
