9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
