You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
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Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
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I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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