Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
