so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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